Disappointment.

Disappointment; a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realised, an act that disappoints someone.

It's an emotion I find continually popping in to my head. Disappointment. Not necessarily in myself, more so disappointment in the situations and certain people around me. An act that disappoints someone. An act is usually based on a decision in which you stop and make a choice, sometimes you think of the consequences, other times you act with a distinct lack of inhibition. A feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realised. Keyword; expectations. I have always been taught- if you have no expectations you can never be disappointed. But how can anyone ever completely have no expectations? I try on an ongoing basis to lower my expectations of situations and the people around me. I don't do this as a reflection of them, I do it as a reflection of myself. I don't trust people, therefore I don't trust people to meet the expectations which I can build up in my mind. I would rather be pleasantly surprised that bitterly disappointed.

There are people in my life I would only ever describe as a disappointment to me. Maybe that is harsh? Maybe it is an unjustified description, however when you don't want someone in your life because of the actions and choices they have made you often aren't angry at them. You aren't angry. You aren't sad. You don't want to cry or scream. You just feel disappointed. Maybe because you deserved better? Maybe because the people you love deserve better? Or maybe because such an 'important' figure in your life shouldn't be so....disappointing.

I hate this emotion. I really find it the worst. It's the emotion which plagues on me the most; it's kind of toxic to my brain. I wish I could hate. Truly and completely hate instead of feeling disappointed. But I don't think it's in my nature to ever 'hate' someone, no matter how much they hurt me and I continually forgive them. So it seems I might just be stuck being disappointed in you.

Life; It's For The Living.

So I have found myself unusually quiet these last few weeks. I keep going to write a new blog post and then getting lost for words. I never thought I could be lost for words, I feel like I am increasingly stuck in my head. I am lacking a lot of motivation to write, to apply for jobs, to do any thing really, somewhat of a rut. I find I have been thinking about death quite a lot again lately. I'm not scared to die, but I am scared of death. I am scared of losing any other people I know. After losing my pop and Jason in the last few years, I dread the thought of losing anyone else. I know the pain which losing Jason caused everyone and I don't want to see that pain again. I know how terrible that felt and he wasn't even apart of my daily life. What if I lost someone who every day it would be a struggle without them? I can't fathom that pain, I'm scared of feeling that again and scared of feeling it worse. Death changes your life. It alters you, and everyone around you. Two years ago, not a single person in my life had died, I had no idea. But now, there still is rarely a day which goes by where we don't think or talk about Jason. I have a new appreciation for life. I concentrate more when driving, I don't txt or use my phone when driving. Every cross I see on the side f the road makes me think of the family of that individual.

Life is for the living, I understand we can't live in fear of death. But I also don't know how not to be scared. I think dying would be the greatest adventure. It's the only thing in life we are ever certain of. I don't consider it an end, I consider it the beginning to something new. But I want to learn how to not fear losing the people I love, because throughout life we lose so many people.

If I stay stuck inside my head, I am never going to get over this feeling. I need a new motivation. I need a job. I am starting to question whether leaving a job that made me so unhappy has actually resulted in me being more unhappy. I have never been so desperate to get back to uni. I am craving knowledge, stimulation and motivation!

Spare Time.

Unemployment means I am filling my days with pointless tasks (cleaning, cooking etc) and spending a lot of time doing things with myself, like taking Archer to the beach and watching endless Gossip Girl. Finally, I have began enjoying all my free time. For once, I am spending time on myself. Next weeks goal, re-joining the gym...free time which can be spent getting skinny. Another little secret to share, I have started writing...in private, for none of you to see. Not a book, but something which may turn in to a book. I am only a few pages in, but it's going well. Like they say, write what you know...so thats what I'm doing. Anyways, below are a few photos from date night tonight.

Following a Trend?

I hate how typical I am becoming. If I filled out a questionnaire with what do you 'love' I would have to answer writing, travel, photographs (not photography, but photographs. I don't like the act of taking photos, but I like the end result) and reading. I am creative in a completely traditional and expected way. Why are the things I like the things which seem to be in fashion? I am not one to follow trends. The positives for these obsessions are that reading and writing so much in my spare time means I have become quite good at it. Today at work experience Kat pointed out to me that public relations has everything to do with writing and if I had continued with journalism I would have ended up hating something which I love so much. One of the columns I wrote for her will soon be in the West and not many people at my age and with my level of experience can say that.

I am feeling so inspired and creative at the moment. Maybe I should write a book? I kinda know what I would write, but I have no idea how to write it!

Working for Free.

This coming week is going to be my third week of work experience at the Retirement Village Association (RVA) and I am in love with the place. Because I have so much free time, I have offered to do an extra day a week there. In my eyes work experience is a really good way to fill my time and get experience for my resume. I study public relations and marketing, so if you don't have experience when you leave uni, your not going to get a job. Mainly because of my working commitments up until now I haven't had the ability to do any work experience until now, but thats something I am changing. As well as working for RVA, I am also starting to do some marketing work for Mullaloo Surf Club, so that's another thing to add to the resume.

Kat (my boss at RVA) and I often discuss getting jobs after uni. She graduated in 2005 so she is still considered relatively 'new' to the industry but has done so amazingly for herself. It's so daunting to be graduating school this year, because I am so eager to get working. Obviously, I usually undersell myself and my experience and thats something which Kat is helping me change. I have spent the past 3 years since leaving high school studying and working in office environments, so as she tells me...though I don't have all the marketing and PR experience yet, my experience in customer service and the business world is a load more than most graduates. She seems to have a lot of faith in me, even suggesting to apply for a marketing managing position which might be coming up within the year (90k a year, I would DIE) and reassuring me this is something I can achieve. Not to mention, if all works out for the best I may be getting a job with her at RVA permanently (which is basically my dream at the moment). These possibilities and the assurance I am getting during my work experience is actually making working for free worth while. In my industry, it's not what you know...it's who you know and it's your connections and networking group which will get you places.

It's been tough 'living in limbo' as I call it. I don't want to apply for jobs in case it works out at RVA, but I am struggling not working both financially and mentally. I am still a believer that everything happens for a reason, so for the foreseeable future that's what I am relying on. I guess that's the point of uni, you struggle and you work without pay and you kill yourself studying and then at the end of it, if you do it right...you leave your course and find an amazingly well paid and fulfilling job. All I know is right now, I am happy to get the opportunity to gain experience in two completely different fields of marketing and PR.