Change on the Horizon.

I'm finding I don't have a lot to write about these days. I have a lot of thoughts and a little too much to say, but nothing to write about. I feel that everything is moving so quickly around me, yet I am still on pause, waiting to play. I feel the past few months of my life I have been in a tail spin of bad decisions, like I'm moving too quickly into something that doesn't seem quite right.

However, I love this time of the year. I feel there is so much hope and wistfulness in what the new year might bring. For me, I am worried about 2012, yet so excited at the same time. 2011 hasn't been a great year, in fact it's been a terrible year. I have learnt more than I ever thought I could, grown up more than I ever thought I needed and accomplished the last of my long term goals to date.

Unlike 2011, I am starting 2012 in a pretty positive way. I have a full time job within the industry of my choice, I have finished university with the grades I wanted and I have no expectations on myself. 2012 is a clean slate, a new start into adulthood. I don't feel I am ready for the world of full time employment, but I do know that I am going to work my ass off. I feel 2012 is going to be a year of change. I remember this time last year feeling so hopeful for what 2011 had to bring and so disappointed in it's results. Maybe a little too optimistically, I feel 2012 will be the year I need it to be, it will provide me with enough direction to head my life in the way I want it. As usual, I plan on spending the year focusing on those things and people that really matter and bring simplicity into my life, and getting rid of all the negativity.

I am watching everyone around me change their lives in significant ways. Moving away, breaking up with long term boyfriends, getting engaged. Though my changes may be more internal than others, I feel I am ready to truly 'start my life'. I am ready for change in any capacity.

Goodbye 2011, I thank you for the lessons and the misery because without it I would not be in the position I am now. Hello 2012, please for once please meet my expectations on what I want out of a year. Let me build my career the way I want it, let me finish my house in my spare time and let me plan a new holiday with that lovely boyfriend of mine. I don't ask for much...in fact all I want is within my own power, I just want you to allow it to happen.

Happy New Year everyone, no matter what you want 2012 to bring for you and whether 2011 panned out the way you want it I wish everyone the best. Just remember, this time of year is filled with hope. It's the one time of year you can forget the past and plan forward a better future with complete faith that it will turn out the way you want it.

When There Are No Words Left....

...and only photo's can prove my point.

The dare (1/3 of a bottle of tequila to myself)....

...the result a few hours later.

I don't think I have ever been that drunk since and I doubt I ever will again. I love that our last conversation was largely focused on this night and the fact you were proud I got so drunk off tequila and accepted your challenge. Tequila hasn't been the same since.

365 Days.

So this week hasn't been a good one and I expect it won't get much better. Firstly, I am working six out of seven days this week. Though I shouldn't complain because I do this to myself with my kind hearted nature that can never ever say no to anything anyone asks me, it seems my influx of working hours has lead me into a downward spiral. I'm exhausted and I know that because I can't sleep well and have had a dull head ache since Monday morning. As usual, I have run myself off my feet with no end in near and I hate that feeling.

Secondly, this Sunday is December 11th...which admittedly has been a day I have been dreading for most of this year. December 11th is the 1 year anniversary of our friends’ death. I have been thinking a lot about that again this week. Replaying the day in my mind like a broken record. I literally remember every moment of that day, probably more than I should. I keep thinking about the fact that this time last year he had two days to live. Could you imagine that, having no idea that your life was so close to its end? This point last year everything was still so normal for everyone; for his friends, his wife, his son, and his parents. It scares me that you could literally die at any moment and just be done. I have been thinking that if I died tomorrow, I would be happy with my life to date. I wouldn't die with any animosity. Obviously I don’t feel I am done living, but if that’s the way it played out I wouldn’t regret anything as such.

I have been thinking a lot about how the day will go down and what it will involve. I don’t think you ever get over a death in any capacity but I feel you become numb to it. Evening thinking about how those closest to him must be feeling makes me feel anxious. That level of pain scares me.

I hate how everything has played out since December 11th, 2010. I hate the aftermath of the situation. The change that has come from it, the way things have turned. In many ways nothing seems the way it should be. More than anything, I hate seeing the continual hurt of those around me. Call it what you will, but I still wished it never happened. I wish everything was still how it was.

So once again, I wish you never had to go Jason but I know you’re up there looking after us all. At least I know the day we all come to heaven, the party will already be started because you are already there.

the journey, not the end destination.

I am a person who is orientated by goals. I always have a list of goals, small and large, insignificant and significant. Goals give me a reason to do something and I love that. When I was in high school it was to do TEE and get into university. Once I did that it was to graduate and get a full time job and last year I added to that list to graduate on a Distinction average (which for some may seem easy but I have also been juggling a lot of work and a house my entire degree so for me it was huge). Today I got my grades back for this semester. Not only did I do extremely well, but I also got the distinction average I worked so hard for. So today, I complete two of my largest life goals….I am a university graduate with a distinction average. Now this wouldn’t be as scary as it is if I hadn’t already completely my third goal of getting full time employment. ONE WEEK after finishing uni I got offered a full time Event Management position which starts in Jan 2012. So, I have accomplished everything I set out to do in my life within the last five years. Every-single-little-thing. I never thought I would work in event management but it is the most sought after profession within the public relations field and continually I hear people telling me how they want to work in events but won’t be able to do it in Perth so they are going to move over east to fulfil their dreams. So obviously, the obnoxious part of me decided to take the job in a profession I am good at and happened to fall in to.

So now, at 21 I am completely goal-less. I went on a trip to Europe this time last year so my travel bug is satisfied for the next six months at least, I own a house, I graduated university and I found a job….what the hell am I meant to do with myself now?! I know how ridiculous I sound right now, and I know many people think I am being very selfish or unappreciative or whatever, but I have worked my ass off to get to this point so I am allowed to be. So moving forward 2012 is unknown territory to me, I have no more ‘logical’ goals to achieve. I now have the opportunity, for the first time in my life, to make my own goals that aren’t logical and that are completely unknown to me. For the first time in my life I am free. Free in the afternoons, free on the weekends, free to earn as much money as I can, free to focus on what is important to me, free to get my life in order and free to find my place in the world away from education. Don’t get me wrong, I am petrified. I am so scared that my career will consume my life or that I will end up wishing and wasting my life away. I want every single moment in my life to mean something and be for a reason. I want to learn how not to be waiting for something or wishing for something, but learn to be in the moment I am in.

So if you are interested these are my goals for next year. I am no longer making long term goals, no longer wishing it to be a certain time in the future. From now on I am going to plan and make goals for now and for the short term future. I want the journey, not the end destination.

• Put everything I can into building my career.
• Finish my house renovations and turn our house into a home.
• Learn a second language; French or Italian I don’t care.
• Read. Read anything and everything I can.
• Have a healthy life; inside and outside, mentally and physically I want to learn a sustainable way to become as healthy as I can be.
• Become financially secure again
• Travel; whether it is a road trip or one of the many planned trips I have planned…I just want to see the world.

Moving Forward.

So for the first time in a very long time I feel my life is back on track. I know where I'm heading, I know where I want to be and I know how to get it. I find comfort in organisation. To me, having an idea of what I am doing with myself helps me to stay focused. I am not a person who can do nothing, I am not a person that can take months 'having time off'. I know what I want in life and I know what I need to do to achieve these things. I love that.

As of January 9, I will be an Event and Auction Manager. Though events is never a field I would have seen myself going in to, now that I am here I love it. I still really want to travel, and I am hoping to do a couple of month long trips within the next year or two before taking off for an extended period of time. In my mind, I would rather work within the industry I am building a career in than in some random job to save money. The world is so big and beautiful and there is no way I don't want to see it all.

For the first time in a long time, I feel I really have things to look forward too. For the first time in I would almost say a year, things are finally starting to go good for me. I can't wait for next year. I feel this year has been so terrible but I have such hope that next year will be better. A new year brings new beginnings and there is nothing I need more than a new beginning right now!

six years.

Six years in and it just keeps getting better <3

Yesterday we went out for dinner at Ha-Lu which is an amazing Japanese restaurant in Mt Hawthorne. It is AMAZING there and like a tapas Japanese style. After dinner we wandered up to The Cabin and had cocktails. Another amazing place in Mt Hawthorne, really warm and cute and has great cocktails. We then decided it would be a good idea to pick up a six pack of cider and walk home (about 4km). It was a nice night and took about 50 minutes to get home. We had a good time and decided to steal a rose or two from every house we saw with roses. As you can see from the photo above, a lot of houses have roses. I like to call it, the poor person's guide to being romantic. Such a fantastic night!

A Long Time Coming.

I love my anniversary. I love being nostalgic and thinking how far my relationship has come since the day I first met my boyfriend. We moved pretty fast. Mid September we started talking (on MySpace WOOOOOO), by early October I had a crush on him and on October 16th we met up and first kissed. It's a funny story really. The same weekend I met Jesse, my mum had 'grounded me' for being naughty and sneaking out of my friends house. As the story goes in my mind (I am sure my mum will dispute this), she was never really good at grounding me- mainly because this was the first time she had ever needed too. So for what ever reason on that Sunday I told her I was going to go meet that random older boy, who I started talking too on the internet, at the park (LOL thanks for not realising the danger to THAT situation mum)...and for what ever reason (she now tries to tell me she knew it was 'fate' she let me go). Instantly I knew it was right. It was never that I knew he would be the person I would spend the rest of my life with...but something inside me instantly knew I didn't want him to not be in my life. By October 23rd he was my boyfriend. Since that day, it's never changed.

Unlike many people who meet their boyfriends young I have never been insecure about my decision. I don't believe 'the grass is greener', I like my grass. It's not that I don't wonder about an alternate life where this never happened, but I know what I have is special and I would never give that up. I haven't been single since I was 14 years old, and I love that. I am so utterly lucky to be in my situation and to of found this so young.

If you had asked me then whether I thought it would have happened this way I would have laughed. I never planned this, but I couldn't be more grateful it happened. 15 year old Jade never would have guessed I would be in the position I am in now. In a way my relationship saved me from a potentially bad future. I remember every moment, every thought and every feeling so clearly and I love that. I love the smile it puts on my face just from thinking about it. Once again, another year down the track I just want to say I love you.

Sticky Tape Life.

Have you ever felt like your life is being held together by sticky tape? The past four years of my life have been chipping away at a once ‘whole’ life, some cracks bigger than other, some heal over time and others are so large that you are barely keeping it together? That is literally the only way I can describe my life at the moment. I feel things keep getting so cracked, so damaged that it is only being held together by a string which is so close to letting up and dropping everything.

I have exactly a month unit I am done with my degree. My life just needs to stay together long enough for me to have the ability to pick up the pieces when they fall. I have felt this coming; four years in the making. Stress, lack of sleep, hard work, lack of food, lack of enjoyment, and no ‘me’ time…it’s taken four years to get to a breaking point (which realistically is pretty darn good). I knew this day would come, when it all just broke, when the sticky-tape just gave in…I was just hoping it wouldn’t be until after October 29, 2011.

In hind sight, the decisions I have made the choices which I stood by and the path which I have been following is the best thing to ever happen to me. However, I am starting to wonder how different life would have been, how easy my life would be if I didn’t make these choices. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t move out of home young, I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t spend almost every free second of my time working or doing studies and I wouldn’t be the person I am if I took the easy road. But sometimes I wonder, maybe the alternative to my lifestyle wouldn’t have been so bad?

Its days like today I feel I am drowning. So much to do, so little recognition for my hard work and so many things which I’m not able to prioritise due to the importance of each thing. For the first time in a long time I feel I am dropping the ball. I am not giving anything even half to energy it deserves. I have lost sight of what is important to me and I hate everything in the way at the moment. Sometimes it feels the mountain which has become my life is un-climbable. I’m crashing, and I am not quite sure how to stop it happening.

Finding Friendship.

I have never had a problem making friends; in fact I consider myself pretty good at making friends. I am confident and relatively carefree so if you put me in front of a room of strangers no matter how young or old, male or female, smart or ditzy, I can usually hold a conversation with people and spend time with them on an on-going basis. However, I don’t like people. We as human beings are difficult, impulsive, selfish and all around difficult beyond my own comprehension.

When I was younger I changed my friends a lot. I fought a lot with my ‘friends’, had a new best friend every week and trusted anyone without a second thought. As I grew older and entered high school I got a little more picky with my friends, but in hind sight I was nowhere near picky enough because I ended up surrounded by ‘the wrong people’.

The fact that I can easily talk to people and ‘make friends’ came to be quite a bad thing during my high school years. It meant I gained friends that I didn’t necessarily have things in common with, instead people who I could hang out with. Bar one person I don’t think I ever had ‘true’ friends, more just people who filled my time and who at the time I liked to be around. Towards the end of high school, my friend choices got better; however, I lacked the fundamental ability to meet people who valued my friendship as I did theirs. I somehow always found myself the ‘second friend’- the friend you call when your best friend is busy. In some ways, I am still always the backup plan to many of my friends.

I have never been good at friendship; I have never found it easy. I am good at a lot of things, I am good at being in love and being a girlfriend- but I am not good at choosing, keeping and being a good friend. Friendship is basically a mystery to me. When I think I have it down packed, I realise I don’t. When I think I know who my real friends are, I find out their not. When I think I am happy with only having a handful of close friends, I realise I’m not. I am sick of having friends walk in and out of my life. It makes me sad to think that some of my past friendships I didn’t work at maintaining them. But I guess like in a relationship, in a friendship two individuals evolve and it’s whether they can do it together that is the test of a friendship.

Maybe the fact that I have a great boyfriend to rely on means I don’t ‘need’ friends to rely on? Maybe the fact that he has outlasted almost any person in my life bar my family and my best friend with complete consistency is why I can’t trust friends to do the same? In my life, I want nothing more than simplicity and reliability and maybe I don’t get that from friendship in general?

I don’t know what I expect out of friendships, but whatever I think I expect sure isn’t getting met in my mind. Maybe I need to readjust my expectations so I don’t get disappointed?

eight months.

As we edge closer to the one year mark of Jason's death, I still don't feel as if it's real. Every time I go into his office I expect him to be there, yet it never surprises me when he isn't. Every notable change in dynamic in life seems to get a little worse. Every situation which he could have resolved or alter seems a little harder. Every mention of his name feels a little more bitter. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take to get over these feelings or if one day it will just be ‘okay’ again.

It kind suck doesn't it? We have no choice in life as to who we get to keep and who leave us. We have no choice as to how things play out, and no reasoning as to why we are here over the people who may be equal to if not more deserving of life.

Though I accept death for what it is, I can’t say I know how to accept the aftermath of death. I understand people die, sometimes too young and that’s just how it goes. But I don’t understand how to move past it and help everyone else most past it too. Personally, it doesn’t hurt that he isn’t here anymore- it just sucks that he isn’t. So many facets of my life I think what he would do or would have done or how different things would be and that doesn’t make me want to cry anymore, it just annoys me.

There is barely any conversation which we have that doesn’t mention Jason or doesn’t make me think of him. It’s the ‘what if’s’ which disappoint me the most. That’s really what it comes down to; I am disappointed that he isn’t here for everyone who needs him. I am saddened that it’s so hard to move past it and I am surprised how much life continues on.

The thought of going through this again in the future sickens me. The thought of losing anyone closer to me easily makes me want to cry. I just wish we could live life without losing the people we love.

Impact.

I'm not scared to die; however, I am scared of losing the people I love and I am scared of leaving the people I love. Last night I was in a car accident. In way of car accidents, it could have been worse. All three of us involved walked away relatively injury free and not everyone involved in a car accident is that lucky. Then again, in way of car accidents it was that great. Both of our cars are probably written off and the point at which the other car hit me was centimetres away from hitting my door (being the driver) and could have potentially caused myself some serious injury. I have been playing the situation out in my mind, over and over and over again. We were going through the lights and then he just accelerated into me. The thing which strikes me the most is the fact that when I realised he was going to hit me, I closed my eyes and thought two things: 1. you fucking stupid bastard 2. my family, friends and Jesse won't be able to survive losing another person in a car accident. In the aftermath I realise 'that person' I was thinking about everyone losing was me and though it never crossed my mind that I would be the person no longer living, I never thought for a second the impact that has on me (obviously death) only the impact on everyone else.

If you have ever been in a pretty serious car accident and you were on the closer side to the other car you would know the feeling of impact. Two cars going however fast hitting each other is an indescribable feeling, but it's a feeling I can't shake. You feel the crash in your bones. You feel the moment. I saw the other guys face as it happened. I thought about Archer sitting at Jesse's feet. I thought about the traffic around me and the people who see car accidents. It's almost like it was in slow motion. So slow that I could have paused it and started it up again without it happening. When I think of the seconds before and when it happened, I can help but start shaking and crying...because the whole situation was almost unreal.

I was lucky, I know I have a guardian angel who is looking out for me and wants to keep me safe. If he hit me 5 seconds later I might not be here, then again if he hit me 30 seconds later I would be at work today and everything would be normal. Fate is a funny and horrible thing. I somewhat feel fate is playing practical joke on me it's kind of like 'haha you think your life is on track, so I am going to fuck some shit up for you' or 'haha you finally thought you were over losing your friend to a car accident, I am going to put you in a car accident so all that emotional pain comes flooding back'. Fan-fucking-tastic. I know I have lessons to learn, I still believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes I am tested.

I somewhat feel bad things are following me. I don't know why these things happen to me. I don't know why I am not given the opportunity to be happy and do well and succeed in life. I guess life isn't meant to be easy, the point isn't what happens to you it's the lessons you learn from the experiences. I am lucky that it didn't end up worse. I am lucky that the person I love and my dog are both ok as well. I am that I have the most amazing and support family who love me unconditionally. More than anything, I am just lucky.

Support.

I often think my idea of life is somewhat unrealistic. As a child I believed adults were perfect; they didn't do drugs, they loved their husbands/wives..in my mind all your problems went away when you became an adult. The older I get the more I come to see the life I want. The simplicity, the good people, the enjoyment. However, the older I get that life I want becomes more distant to the life I know now. My life is somewhat unconventional for someone my age. I moved out of home young, I own a house, I have more responsibility than I care to admit, I have been in a committed relationship for six years- but I would never have it any other way. People around me often don't agree with my life choices, they don't support the decisions I have made and the position I am in. I am somewhat torn between the carefree 'party- girl' I want to be and the responsible girlfriend that I am. I love to drink, but to me going out isn't my priority in life. I love to go out and dance and be care free and have fun...but I know that's not something I want to do on a weekly basis. Maybe it's because I suffer horrendous hang-overs, or maybe it's because I have a perfect boyfriend sitting at home waiting for me.

I hate that feeling of being torn. I have friends who understand my lifestyle choices. Though none of my friends are fully at the stage I am, I have friends that respect I have bills to pay and a boyfriend to consider. However, I have friends who put their own concerns before mine to the point they show no understanding of my own position. I don't blame them, I just wish they accepted my life choices. I love my older friends, the friends who like dinner parties and sunday afternoons drinking wine. To be honest, I can't wait until all my friends settle down, get in committed relationships and become happy doing 'couple-y' things with me and my boyfriend. Friends who have boyfriends that make an effort with mine and actually want to hang out together. Many people don't understand why I prefer to hang out with my boyfriend over anyone else. It's simple because he is simple, our relationship is simple and being together is simple. I crave simplicity.

I am sick and tired of explaining my life choices to others. I'm sorry I am mature and smart with my money. I am sorry I own a house and care more about building my own financial future than going out and partying every night I can. My choices might not be the right ones, I may look back one day and think I wasted a time I shouldn't have, but I also believe I have a good balance for those who accept me.

I wish there was a way to completely escape drama, but it seems drama is somewhat drawn to me. I don't want that any more. I don't want difficult people in my life, however I don't know how to get rid of them. I feel I am stuck between where I was and where I want to be. I am ready to be an adult, but not ready to say good bye to my teenage years. I want to find people who understand that feeling. More than anything, I would not for a second change where I am and who I am for anyone else. I am proud of my accomplishments, proud of the person I have become and how far I have come from who I used to be. My future offers so much and I think not many people can say that. I may be scared of the future, scared of the 'real world', scared I may lose my friends and my current lifestyle...but I am excited for the challenge and ready to embrace what is coming. I just wish the people around me could support me in the way I dream.

Ready To Go.

I strive for simplicity in my life. The best people in my life are the effortless ones; my two best friends, my boyfriend, my family. In the past nine months I have truly gained an understanding of what is important in life and what isn't. I no longer thrive off drama, I no longer consider myself argumentative. I focus my limited time and energy on the right people in my life, not the wrong ones. I forgive easier than I ever have before, yet I value never forgetting. I've grown. I know what I value and what is important to me. I have gained life lessons I never new I needed to gain. I am finally at a point of acceptance of the bad things which have happened to me and the people I love. I know I can't change things out of my control, and I accept that I can't make that change and I move on. Recently I have come to realise that I was lucky to last until I was 21 without facing death face on. I don't feel sorry for myself or the people around me who have lost someone so amazing, I feel proud we have learnt to accept it and grow from the experience. I pity the people who are yet to experience the loss of someone who impacts their lives so profoundly because I know the pain which they are yet to face. I hate the situation, I hate the impact of death and I often stop and go 'shit, if he was here this would be different' but it no longer consumes my life.

I look forward to the future. I don't worry for the people I love, because I know they will continue surviving this situation. I am moving forward a strong, more mature and centered person. I am at peace with the idea of simplicity and I don't want people in my life who will bring me down. Life is so short. I value love and the people who I love. My biggest fear is something happening to the people I love, but I accept fate is out of my control. I harbour no hatred for the past. I focus on bettering myself and moving forward. I know there is nothing I can't achieve.

For the first time in a long time, I have come to realise that I am going to be okay.

Dragging My Feet

I have found since I have started writing professionally, I have lost the creativity to write personally. It's a different ball game having to be in a work mind set and then switch over to my own sense of writing. At the moment I have about six half started blog where either I lose interest in the topic, or lose creativity mid sentence. I have been told if I pursue a career in writing it won't take me long to start hating it and after a month of having a large portion of my career writing focus I can see that already setting in.

I feel like I am at the end of the first chapter of my life. Unlike finishing high school, finishing university brings complete unknown for me. Will I enjoy working? Will I have time to see my friends? Will I be able to go on holidays regularly? Will I find a career I am passionate about? Do I want to work full time? Am I good enough for my chosen career path? I have been wishing this year away, because this year has been hell and now that I am at the home stretch I am petrified of the future.

The last month has been my last ever university holidays and I have felt more stressed and busy than I was during semester. I barely got two days off to myself and time alone to do nothing is something I really treasure. I am an opportunist, so obviously being faced with my new PR related part time job I couldn't turn it down but in a lot of ways I feel I am rushing in to something that I don't need too. I thrive under pressure, yet hate the feeling of constraint which a career provides.

I don't want to be a person to not go in to a career after university, because my career holds high value to me and as an ambitious person I can't fathom the idea of taking 'time off' when I graduate. But the other part of me feels life is going to disappear fast if I waste it away working. It's such a contradiction in my own mind that even seeing it written down frustrates me.

I have come to realise over the past six months that life is short and you can't change that. In the grand scheme of things I don't want to look back at my life and regret the way I did things and the choices I made. I wish I had more time. I wish I didn't have the pressure to have kids and get married and all those other things. I wish travelling was cheap and I could spend years visiting places I dream about. I wish I could have a fulfilling career and raise a family simultaneously so that I didn't feel like I have to make a choice. I wish I could have everything. But if I haven't learnt anything from this year it's that you need to accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can. Life happens the way it does and all you can do is make the most of it while you're here.

Absent.

I have been absent lately. Absent from blogging. Absent from my own mind really. Basically life is consumed by 'the real world'. Anyways, I'm not ready to come back yet. So instead of writing a thought provoking blog, I'll leave you some photos of the past month.

Grief.

The past six months have taught me so much. I feel I have gained a lifetime of understanding on grief. It was a topic that was so unfamiliar to me in the past, but now I feel almost ready for it next time. I have learnt everyone grieves in a different way and you should never judge their level of grief. Similar to love, grief cannot be felt the same by two people. Like a snow flake, it's unique. I have seen people grieve in a number of ways; becoming reclusive; angry; strong; bitter; and in all the cases of grief I have seen everyone lose a little part of themselves.

My own feelings of grief have surprised me. Lacking the basic skills to deal with grief, I have found myself burying it. As time goes on, it seems to resurface in the most inconvenient of times. The last two weeks seem to have been the worst; three events our friend should have been at. An engagement party, an awards night and his wife's birthday.

I found myself surviving each event differently. The engagement party I was so happy most the night to see two amazing people so in love I managed to bury the thought he wasn't there for majority of the night. It got to the end of the night and simple question of 'would it be different if he was here' got me thinking. Of course it would be, everything is different without him here.

The second night I didn't do so well, and unfortunately for most my melt down was of the public persuasion. The night started off badly, with me needing to blow off a whole lot of study induced stress with a whole lot of dreaded wine (I have learnt in large proportions this is my down fall). The awards night was empty without Jason there. Things that usually would be fun and entertaining seemed dull. It didn't help I got stuck next to some horrid women who was painfully rude for the enter night. Just after the main course and about 3/4 of the way in to hearing her ramble on about her idea of who he was, I snapped. Walked out, cried my eyes out in the foyer and as usual (when drinking wine) made a huge idiot of myself. It made me realise something, six months in and I haven't dealt with this situation. As I tearfully cried to Jesse 'you deal with this on a daily basis, I don't have too so it's nights like tonight that make it real'. Kinda sad isn't it? Because the reality is, it's real every day yet my ability to subdue my emotions has lead me to become an emotional volcano ready to erupt at any moment.

The third encounter was fantastic. It was his wife's birthday and she was having a party. His friends, family, her friends and family all in the one house sitting around a bon-fire, drinking, eating and having a night like any other. It was the first time we had been in his house since it happened. It was a task which I thought would prove a lot more difficult than it was. Surprisingly, it was lovely. The photos of him made me laugh, the memories of the house made me smile and seeing his wife happy like it never happened was truly something to make your heart melt. The idea of being in the house proved to difficult to others who knew him, however Jesse and I believed if his wife wanted us there we would be, for her.

I am still learning about grief. I came to consider a day without thinking about him a good day, because I can't live being sad about what we have lost. I also came to realise, I am obviously not as over this as I thought. But when can you ever be over it? His wife and Jesse deal with this every single day; a day to day basis for six months straight. They have to of come to terms with this for their sanity's sake. Me on the other hand, I need to come to peace with it in my own way and truly say good bye. It may take me another six months, maybe a year but I think one day this horrible feeling will be gone.

The Big Dream.

I can't wait to have money again. After a roller coaster couple of weeks, I am happy to say I have come out on the up side. I'm looking forward to the future. I have been thinking a lot about the renovations and decorations of my house. I can't wait until I have money (and time) to get started and finished on all the renovations. Unfortunately our house needs to stay pretty neutral for renting purposes. However, I have so many big dreams of when we have our 'forever' house. Anyways, below are a couple of ideas of what I would love for a house. I love the messy but everything has a place look. If my house was bigger I would love bold colours and interesting art and trinkets which all have a story. One day.