As we edge closer to the one year mark of Jason's death, I still don't feel as if it's real. Every time I go into his office I expect him to be there, yet it never surprises me when he isn't. Every notable change in dynamic in life seems to get a little worse. Every situation which he could have resolved or alter seems a little harder. Every mention of his name feels a little more bitter. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take to get over these feelings or if one day it will just be ‘okay’ again.
It kind suck doesn't it? We have no choice in life as to who we get to keep and who leave us. We have no choice as to how things play out, and no reasoning as to why we are here over the people who may be equal to if not more deserving of life.
Though I accept death for what it is, I can’t say I know how to accept the aftermath of death. I understand people die, sometimes too young and that’s just how it goes. But I don’t understand how to move past it and help everyone else most past it too. Personally, it doesn’t hurt that he isn’t here anymore- it just sucks that he isn’t. So many facets of my life I think what he would do or would have done or how different things would be and that doesn’t make me want to cry anymore, it just annoys me.
There is barely any conversation which we have that doesn’t mention Jason or doesn’t make me think of him. It’s the ‘what if’s’ which disappoint me the most. That’s really what it comes down to; I am disappointed that he isn’t here for everyone who needs him. I am saddened that it’s so hard to move past it and I am surprised how much life continues on.
The thought of going through this again in the future sickens me. The thought of losing anyone closer to me easily makes me want to cry. I just wish we could live life without losing the people we love.
It kind suck doesn't it? We have no choice in life as to who we get to keep and who leave us. We have no choice as to how things play out, and no reasoning as to why we are here over the people who may be equal to if not more deserving of life.
Though I accept death for what it is, I can’t say I know how to accept the aftermath of death. I understand people die, sometimes too young and that’s just how it goes. But I don’t understand how to move past it and help everyone else most past it too. Personally, it doesn’t hurt that he isn’t here anymore- it just sucks that he isn’t. So many facets of my life I think what he would do or would have done or how different things would be and that doesn’t make me want to cry anymore, it just annoys me.
There is barely any conversation which we have that doesn’t mention Jason or doesn’t make me think of him. It’s the ‘what if’s’ which disappoint me the most. That’s really what it comes down to; I am disappointed that he isn’t here for everyone who needs him. I am saddened that it’s so hard to move past it and I am surprised how much life continues on.
The thought of going through this again in the future sickens me. The thought of losing anyone closer to me easily makes me want to cry. I just wish we could live life without losing the people we love.
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