I have never had a problem making friends; in fact I consider myself pretty good at making friends. I am confident and relatively carefree so if you put me in front of a room of strangers no matter how young or old, male or female, smart or ditzy, I can usually hold a conversation with people and spend time with them on an on-going basis. However, I don’t like people. We as human beings are difficult, impulsive, selfish and all around difficult beyond my own comprehension.
When I was younger I changed my friends a lot. I fought a lot with my ‘friends’, had a new best friend every week and trusted anyone without a second thought. As I grew older and entered high school I got a little more picky with my friends, but in hind sight I was nowhere near picky enough because I ended up surrounded by ‘the wrong people’.
The fact that I can easily talk to people and ‘make friends’ came to be quite a bad thing during my high school years. It meant I gained friends that I didn’t necessarily have things in common with, instead people who I could hang out with. Bar one person I don’t think I ever had ‘true’ friends, more just people who filled my time and who at the time I liked to be around. Towards the end of high school, my friend choices got better; however, I lacked the fundamental ability to meet people who valued my friendship as I did theirs. I somehow always found myself the ‘second friend’- the friend you call when your best friend is busy. In some ways, I am still always the backup plan to many of my friends.
I have never been good at friendship; I have never found it easy. I am good at a lot of things, I am good at being in love and being a girlfriend- but I am not good at choosing, keeping and being a good friend. Friendship is basically a mystery to me. When I think I have it down packed, I realise I don’t. When I think I know who my real friends are, I find out their not. When I think I am happy with only having a handful of close friends, I realise I’m not. I am sick of having friends walk in and out of my life. It makes me sad to think that some of my past friendships I didn’t work at maintaining them. But I guess like in a relationship, in a friendship two individuals evolve and it’s whether they can do it together that is the test of a friendship.
Maybe the fact that I have a great boyfriend to rely on means I don’t ‘need’ friends to rely on? Maybe the fact that he has outlasted almost any person in my life bar my family and my best friend with complete consistency is why I can’t trust friends to do the same? In my life, I want nothing more than simplicity and reliability and maybe I don’t get that from friendship in general?
I don’t know what I expect out of friendships, but whatever I think I expect sure isn’t getting met in my mind. Maybe I need to readjust my expectations so I don’t get disappointed?
When I was younger I changed my friends a lot. I fought a lot with my ‘friends’, had a new best friend every week and trusted anyone without a second thought. As I grew older and entered high school I got a little more picky with my friends, but in hind sight I was nowhere near picky enough because I ended up surrounded by ‘the wrong people’.
The fact that I can easily talk to people and ‘make friends’ came to be quite a bad thing during my high school years. It meant I gained friends that I didn’t necessarily have things in common with, instead people who I could hang out with. Bar one person I don’t think I ever had ‘true’ friends, more just people who filled my time and who at the time I liked to be around. Towards the end of high school, my friend choices got better; however, I lacked the fundamental ability to meet people who valued my friendship as I did theirs. I somehow always found myself the ‘second friend’- the friend you call when your best friend is busy. In some ways, I am still always the backup plan to many of my friends.
I have never been good at friendship; I have never found it easy. I am good at a lot of things, I am good at being in love and being a girlfriend- but I am not good at choosing, keeping and being a good friend. Friendship is basically a mystery to me. When I think I have it down packed, I realise I don’t. When I think I know who my real friends are, I find out their not. When I think I am happy with only having a handful of close friends, I realise I’m not. I am sick of having friends walk in and out of my life. It makes me sad to think that some of my past friendships I didn’t work at maintaining them. But I guess like in a relationship, in a friendship two individuals evolve and it’s whether they can do it together that is the test of a friendship.
Maybe the fact that I have a great boyfriend to rely on means I don’t ‘need’ friends to rely on? Maybe the fact that he has outlasted almost any person in my life bar my family and my best friend with complete consistency is why I can’t trust friends to do the same? In my life, I want nothing more than simplicity and reliability and maybe I don’t get that from friendship in general?
I don’t know what I expect out of friendships, but whatever I think I expect sure isn’t getting met in my mind. Maybe I need to readjust my expectations so I don’t get disappointed?
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