The Big Dream.

I can't wait to have money again. After a roller coaster couple of weeks, I am happy to say I have come out on the up side. I'm looking forward to the future. I have been thinking a lot about the renovations and decorations of my house. I can't wait until I have money (and time) to get started and finished on all the renovations. Unfortunately our house needs to stay pretty neutral for renting purposes. However, I have so many big dreams of when we have our 'forever' house. Anyways, below are a couple of ideas of what I would love for a house. I love the messy but everything has a place look. If my house was bigger I would love bold colours and interesting art and trinkets which all have a story. One day.

Forward.

I can't wait until I get to the point in life where it's almost like you never existed. When the initial controversy of the situation has subsided and it's like you're not even there. Accepting the situation and the person you are is not a possibility for me at the moment and I almost think it never will be. I just want you to be erased from my life. I am never felt so disappointed, so angry, so hurt and so deprived in my life. My continual efforts to make you proud now seem ridiculous to me, you should be the one striving to make me proud because I don't remember ever feeling that way about you.

I sincerely pray to god that your traits, your selfishness and your stupidity is not inheritable. Good luck on 'your journey', I hope you find what your looking for. When you do, I hope you realise what an idiot you are and that it was their all along. I was always tolerant, understanding and even somewhat forgiving of the past in hopes of a better future. I have come to realise empty promises and disappointment is all you can provide. Maybe next time it will be you coming to me and proving your worth being in my life.

For once in your life act in an unselfish manner, leave me alone.

I'm Done.

I often find when I am trying to work for uni that I get distracted and end up writing on here. It's not been a great past 24 hours so I find my mind is continually wandering off topic which is making my assignments suffer. I have come to realise how contradicting I am, I consider myself a very open person, however I also consider myself a very private person. What an oxymoron; I'm an open, private person. Anyways, to the point... in the spirit of needing to write and trying to order my thoughts I am going to write this blog a little more open than in should be.

I spent most of 2010 trying to de-clutter my life. I went through all my friends and anyone else in my life and basically culled the people who drained me. I need positive people in my life, I am the type of person that gets easily drained by others and their emotions so if I have negative people surrounding me I find it extremely difficult to live happily. I did this successfully. The beginning of 2011 truly felt amazing, I was at a stage of complete happiness with the people surrounding me. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to see past the friends in my life who were draining me and never realised family members can do the same thing.

I am a strong person, potentially one of the strongest I know. In ways, I consider myself there for the people in my life more than I am for myself. But I have finally gotten to the point where I can't take being so strong for people, who give me nothing in return. I have also found within the past few years I have become painfully self-reliant. I rely on no one else in my life for anything, I am happy to be alone if presented the opportunity, within six months I am going to be completely financially independent and my happiness is based on a range of companionship, determination and ambition.

The past 24 hours have made me realise, that some times you need other people to rely on. Sometimes you stop and remember that your only 21 and you deserve so much more than what you get from people in your life. When your feeling broken beyond recognition you need those people to pick you back up. My mum, my boyfriend and my best friend are those people in my life. The three people that I can truly be myself with, the three people who follow me and help me without a second of questioning or doubt.

Without true love, compassion and understanding you become a shell of a person. Strength and isolation can be considered admirable qualities in a person, however they usually even up being attributed to failure.

For the first time in my life, I am actually done. I am at the point where I am truly ready to cut you out of my life. Sound harsh? Potentially. But after so many years of pain and ignorance, so many years of stupidity and selfishness, I'm done. Why have someone in your life who brings you so far down when your surrounded with so many people who love you so unconditionally. I'm sick of being the adult, yet getting treated like the child. I am sick of being ashamed, pretty much just ashamed that your in my life. I was the last person you had, the last person in your life who actually loved you, cared about you and wanted you to be a better person, now you have nothing and no one except for the fake life full of deceit and games which you build around you. I hope you find what ever it is you are looking for in life, and you leave me and my family alone in the process. You have no idea what you have lost and what you will never ever get back.

To everyone else who may not know what I'm talking about, this isn't for you. This isn't for anyone really, it's for me. Because I need to have this written down and logically laid out outside of my mind. I need it to be out there, so potentially the person it's intended for reads it and realised what he has lost.

A Love Child.

Today on the radio they were discussing the notion of having a 'love child' (big surprise!). This notion that your husband or father could have such a large secret in life that directly affects you astounds me. I couldn't image that level of pain, deceit and utter disappointment. The notion of a love child as a sibling somewhat hit close to home with me. Now don't get me wrong- my father didn't have a child with a random lady whilst married with my mum (well, that I know of anyways haha), however four or five years after their divorce he had a child with his then fiancée. The thing which got me in this discussion on 92.9 was the fact Lisa asked the sibling of a love child whether she loved her illegitimate brother we she found out about him. Obvious to most, her answer was yes of course.

In my I always assumed love for siblings no matter whether you know them closely or not is unconditional. My brothers mean everything to me, there is little in this world I wouldn't do for them. My sister, who is now six has been in and out of my life since she was born. Obviously I love her, but the bond which I with my brothers who I have spent my entire life with is no where near the bond I am yet to form with my sister. A part of me hopes that our age difference is the reason for that, and not the point that she has been kept away from me and my brothers. I often dream that one day, when she is older we will have that bond that sisters are meant to have, potentially a bond closer than the one have with my brothers.

In the case of a love child, and potentially in my case the victim of the situation is the children. The child in question is missing out on having siblings in their life and the bond the other siblings have. I never chose to have a sister, to be honest I never wanted it- but the second someone is brought in to your life and you love them so unconditionally it hurts to think they may no longer be there.

At the moment, my sister is back in my life. She is at an age where I think she need a positive role model in her life and stability which she potentially isn't getting. The notion of a big sister/ little sister relationship is one I have never understood. I have to continue to fight to see my own sister, and though she is here at the moment I have accepted the realistic possibility she isn't going to be a part of my life in the future.

I don't think I am ever going to understand how people can cause so much pain to the people they claim to love.

Love to Learn.

My life is currently consumed by writing and I love it. That's always been my favourite thing about uni, the fact I get given ridiculous topics to which I have no understanding of and then I manage to write 2000 words about it. When I was younger and mum was at uni I would see her assignments and love how they looked. Double spaced, neat font which went for pages and pages. Call me crazy but I think a large reason I went to uni was because of my love for my mum's uni assignments. I love having to do something, then just doing it. I love the fact you get given a task to some thing which seems to ridiculous yet when you finish you feel so proud of yourself. Even better is the assignments where you love the topics. For example, in PR we write a lot of PR Plans....and to me they are just such amazing documents. I spend hours, days even writing these things...compiling them, making them look pretty all for the satisfaction to know I accomplished something.

I have two weeks left of my first semester of the last year at uni. I feel like these 6 months have disappeared. I am now faced with three assignments left. One of which is a 6000 word assignment on my work experience at the RVA. For as lame, pathetic even that it sounds...I love writing it. I love what I am learning, I love the satisfaction of accomplishing something amazing and I love knowing I am doing a great job.

I cannot describe how much I can't wait to finish uni and start working and gaining practical experience. I have worked so hard on this degree and it means so much to me, I can't wait for the day I start actually working and using it all properly. However, I don't think this will be the end of formal education for me. I truly love to learn, I love to write...it gives me a satisfaction I can't describe so I wouldn't be surprised if in a few years I am learning again. I think I want to pursue post graduate studies in business law because I find it interesting and think it will assist my career.

So it's just a short one today. Just to remind myself how much I love what I am doing. No matter what any one else thinks, I have loved uni. I am that type of person who loves to learn (and write). Even so, more than ever, I can't wait to start working and earning some real money. I can't wait to start using my hard work in a practical environment.

Statistics!

I wish I had something better to talk about, but honestly my life at the moment revolves around learning and working so it doesn't leave a lot else to the imagination. Yesterday I went up to the mines for my new job- just to feel the place out and get dirty. It was fun, I met two great girls and had a really good time.

As usual, in my situation, the topic turned to marriage. I'm reading 'Committed' at the moment so marriage is on my mind. I love the theory behind marriage. I love the progression of the union and the unrealistic ideal we as modern society has built for a tradition which has typically been regarding as inhuman for hundreds of thousands of years. This book has made me question; why do I want to get married? I often tell people I prefer my boyfriends name to my own and thats a big reason why, also I don't want a different name to my children. However, this book has gotten me thinking deeper. I don't want to do it because society tells me I have to. I come from a family of divorce, he comes from a family of divorce....statistically we are screwed. The stubborn part of me wants to get married because I want to do it better than my family have done it. My mum, aunties, nanna...I come from a long line of divorced women who have no need for a man yet continually search for blissful, fairy tale, childhood love. The romantic in me wants to fairytale story 'we met in high school and haven't been apart since'. However, the cynic in me tells me to run from the institution which has lead to so many miserable lives.

Anyways, back to my point. The girls I met (one engaged and one married) were shocked that I don't care for a 'wedding' itself. I don't care for the big party, the dress, the flowers. All I see is a day which is send me broke (or my parents broke) and lead to me becoming a crazy bridezilla. The wedding day to me means nothing. Honestly, I would rather not do anything at all. I would rather just go sign papers and make it happen than spend months planning. Again back to the romantic in me wants to pretty pictures on a beach in Bali look blissful with my favourite 10 or so people in the world. Thats right, I only want something small, intimate and private for my 'big day'.

So before I end this brief blog with a quote I would like to say, sorry for the marriage talk again. My life is mind numbing stressful and over the top at the moment so I immerse myself in my recreational reading. So below, a quote from 'Committed' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love her frank observation of marriage- she reminds me a lot of myself. However, I do love the idea that my life is going to go against the statistic. I would like to think I am going in to marriage eyes wide open; educated, self-reliant and independent. Purely marrying because I want to, not because I need to. I guess, everyone wants to think their love story is 'different' and 'special'.

'The age of the couple at the time of their marriage seems to be the most significant consideration. The younger you are when you get married, the more likely you are to get divorced later. If fact, two or three times more likely to get divorced.

When we are very young, we tend to be more irresponsible, less self aware, more careless, and less economically stable than when we are older. Therefore, we should not get married when we are very young. This is why 18 years old newlyweds do not have a 50% divorce rate; they have something like a 75% divorce rate, which totally blows the curve for everyone else. Age 25 seems to be a magic cut off point...couples who marry before that age are exceptionally more divorce prone that couples who wait till they are 26 or older'

So I pose this question to all you people who have been engaged since they were 17; do you want to become a statistic? I always thought I wanted to marry as young as possible, now on the other hand, since reading this quote....I am happy to wait!