I'm Done.

I often find when I am trying to work for uni that I get distracted and end up writing on here. It's not been a great past 24 hours so I find my mind is continually wandering off topic which is making my assignments suffer. I have come to realise how contradicting I am, I consider myself a very open person, however I also consider myself a very private person. What an oxymoron; I'm an open, private person. Anyways, to the point... in the spirit of needing to write and trying to order my thoughts I am going to write this blog a little more open than in should be.

I spent most of 2010 trying to de-clutter my life. I went through all my friends and anyone else in my life and basically culled the people who drained me. I need positive people in my life, I am the type of person that gets easily drained by others and their emotions so if I have negative people surrounding me I find it extremely difficult to live happily. I did this successfully. The beginning of 2011 truly felt amazing, I was at a stage of complete happiness with the people surrounding me. Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to see past the friends in my life who were draining me and never realised family members can do the same thing.

I am a strong person, potentially one of the strongest I know. In ways, I consider myself there for the people in my life more than I am for myself. But I have finally gotten to the point where I can't take being so strong for people, who give me nothing in return. I have also found within the past few years I have become painfully self-reliant. I rely on no one else in my life for anything, I am happy to be alone if presented the opportunity, within six months I am going to be completely financially independent and my happiness is based on a range of companionship, determination and ambition.

The past 24 hours have made me realise, that some times you need other people to rely on. Sometimes you stop and remember that your only 21 and you deserve so much more than what you get from people in your life. When your feeling broken beyond recognition you need those people to pick you back up. My mum, my boyfriend and my best friend are those people in my life. The three people that I can truly be myself with, the three people who follow me and help me without a second of questioning or doubt.

Without true love, compassion and understanding you become a shell of a person. Strength and isolation can be considered admirable qualities in a person, however they usually even up being attributed to failure.

For the first time in my life, I am actually done. I am at the point where I am truly ready to cut you out of my life. Sound harsh? Potentially. But after so many years of pain and ignorance, so many years of stupidity and selfishness, I'm done. Why have someone in your life who brings you so far down when your surrounded with so many people who love you so unconditionally. I'm sick of being the adult, yet getting treated like the child. I am sick of being ashamed, pretty much just ashamed that your in my life. I was the last person you had, the last person in your life who actually loved you, cared about you and wanted you to be a better person, now you have nothing and no one except for the fake life full of deceit and games which you build around you. I hope you find what ever it is you are looking for in life, and you leave me and my family alone in the process. You have no idea what you have lost and what you will never ever get back.

To everyone else who may not know what I'm talking about, this isn't for you. This isn't for anyone really, it's for me. Because I need to have this written down and logically laid out outside of my mind. I need it to be out there, so potentially the person it's intended for reads it and realised what he has lost.