Impact.

I'm not scared to die; however, I am scared of losing the people I love and I am scared of leaving the people I love. Last night I was in a car accident. In way of car accidents, it could have been worse. All three of us involved walked away relatively injury free and not everyone involved in a car accident is that lucky. Then again, in way of car accidents it was that great. Both of our cars are probably written off and the point at which the other car hit me was centimetres away from hitting my door (being the driver) and could have potentially caused myself some serious injury. I have been playing the situation out in my mind, over and over and over again. We were going through the lights and then he just accelerated into me. The thing which strikes me the most is the fact that when I realised he was going to hit me, I closed my eyes and thought two things: 1. you fucking stupid bastard 2. my family, friends and Jesse won't be able to survive losing another person in a car accident. In the aftermath I realise 'that person' I was thinking about everyone losing was me and though it never crossed my mind that I would be the person no longer living, I never thought for a second the impact that has on me (obviously death) only the impact on everyone else.

If you have ever been in a pretty serious car accident and you were on the closer side to the other car you would know the feeling of impact. Two cars going however fast hitting each other is an indescribable feeling, but it's a feeling I can't shake. You feel the crash in your bones. You feel the moment. I saw the other guys face as it happened. I thought about Archer sitting at Jesse's feet. I thought about the traffic around me and the people who see car accidents. It's almost like it was in slow motion. So slow that I could have paused it and started it up again without it happening. When I think of the seconds before and when it happened, I can help but start shaking and crying...because the whole situation was almost unreal.

I was lucky, I know I have a guardian angel who is looking out for me and wants to keep me safe. If he hit me 5 seconds later I might not be here, then again if he hit me 30 seconds later I would be at work today and everything would be normal. Fate is a funny and horrible thing. I somewhat feel fate is playing practical joke on me it's kind of like 'haha you think your life is on track, so I am going to fuck some shit up for you' or 'haha you finally thought you were over losing your friend to a car accident, I am going to put you in a car accident so all that emotional pain comes flooding back'. Fan-fucking-tastic. I know I have lessons to learn, I still believe everything happens for a reason but sometimes I am tested.

I somewhat feel bad things are following me. I don't know why these things happen to me. I don't know why I am not given the opportunity to be happy and do well and succeed in life. I guess life isn't meant to be easy, the point isn't what happens to you it's the lessons you learn from the experiences. I am lucky that it didn't end up worse. I am lucky that the person I love and my dog are both ok as well. I am that I have the most amazing and support family who love me unconditionally. More than anything, I am just lucky.

Support.

I often think my idea of life is somewhat unrealistic. As a child I believed adults were perfect; they didn't do drugs, they loved their husbands/wives..in my mind all your problems went away when you became an adult. The older I get the more I come to see the life I want. The simplicity, the good people, the enjoyment. However, the older I get that life I want becomes more distant to the life I know now. My life is somewhat unconventional for someone my age. I moved out of home young, I own a house, I have more responsibility than I care to admit, I have been in a committed relationship for six years- but I would never have it any other way. People around me often don't agree with my life choices, they don't support the decisions I have made and the position I am in. I am somewhat torn between the carefree 'party- girl' I want to be and the responsible girlfriend that I am. I love to drink, but to me going out isn't my priority in life. I love to go out and dance and be care free and have fun...but I know that's not something I want to do on a weekly basis. Maybe it's because I suffer horrendous hang-overs, or maybe it's because I have a perfect boyfriend sitting at home waiting for me.

I hate that feeling of being torn. I have friends who understand my lifestyle choices. Though none of my friends are fully at the stage I am, I have friends that respect I have bills to pay and a boyfriend to consider. However, I have friends who put their own concerns before mine to the point they show no understanding of my own position. I don't blame them, I just wish they accepted my life choices. I love my older friends, the friends who like dinner parties and sunday afternoons drinking wine. To be honest, I can't wait until all my friends settle down, get in committed relationships and become happy doing 'couple-y' things with me and my boyfriend. Friends who have boyfriends that make an effort with mine and actually want to hang out together. Many people don't understand why I prefer to hang out with my boyfriend over anyone else. It's simple because he is simple, our relationship is simple and being together is simple. I crave simplicity.

I am sick and tired of explaining my life choices to others. I'm sorry I am mature and smart with my money. I am sorry I own a house and care more about building my own financial future than going out and partying every night I can. My choices might not be the right ones, I may look back one day and think I wasted a time I shouldn't have, but I also believe I have a good balance for those who accept me.

I wish there was a way to completely escape drama, but it seems drama is somewhat drawn to me. I don't want that any more. I don't want difficult people in my life, however I don't know how to get rid of them. I feel I am stuck between where I was and where I want to be. I am ready to be an adult, but not ready to say good bye to my teenage years. I want to find people who understand that feeling. More than anything, I would not for a second change where I am and who I am for anyone else. I am proud of my accomplishments, proud of the person I have become and how far I have come from who I used to be. My future offers so much and I think not many people can say that. I may be scared of the future, scared of the 'real world', scared I may lose my friends and my current lifestyle...but I am excited for the challenge and ready to embrace what is coming. I just wish the people around me could support me in the way I dream.

Ready To Go.

I strive for simplicity in my life. The best people in my life are the effortless ones; my two best friends, my boyfriend, my family. In the past nine months I have truly gained an understanding of what is important in life and what isn't. I no longer thrive off drama, I no longer consider myself argumentative. I focus my limited time and energy on the right people in my life, not the wrong ones. I forgive easier than I ever have before, yet I value never forgetting. I've grown. I know what I value and what is important to me. I have gained life lessons I never new I needed to gain. I am finally at a point of acceptance of the bad things which have happened to me and the people I love. I know I can't change things out of my control, and I accept that I can't make that change and I move on. Recently I have come to realise that I was lucky to last until I was 21 without facing death face on. I don't feel sorry for myself or the people around me who have lost someone so amazing, I feel proud we have learnt to accept it and grow from the experience. I pity the people who are yet to experience the loss of someone who impacts their lives so profoundly because I know the pain which they are yet to face. I hate the situation, I hate the impact of death and I often stop and go 'shit, if he was here this would be different' but it no longer consumes my life.

I look forward to the future. I don't worry for the people I love, because I know they will continue surviving this situation. I am moving forward a strong, more mature and centered person. I am at peace with the idea of simplicity and I don't want people in my life who will bring me down. Life is so short. I value love and the people who I love. My biggest fear is something happening to the people I love, but I accept fate is out of my control. I harbour no hatred for the past. I focus on bettering myself and moving forward. I know there is nothing I can't achieve.

For the first time in a long time, I have come to realise that I am going to be okay.