Change on the Horizon.

I'm finding I don't have a lot to write about these days. I have a lot of thoughts and a little too much to say, but nothing to write about. I feel that everything is moving so quickly around me, yet I am still on pause, waiting to play. I feel the past few months of my life I have been in a tail spin of bad decisions, like I'm moving too quickly into something that doesn't seem quite right.

However, I love this time of the year. I feel there is so much hope and wistfulness in what the new year might bring. For me, I am worried about 2012, yet so excited at the same time. 2011 hasn't been a great year, in fact it's been a terrible year. I have learnt more than I ever thought I could, grown up more than I ever thought I needed and accomplished the last of my long term goals to date.

Unlike 2011, I am starting 2012 in a pretty positive way. I have a full time job within the industry of my choice, I have finished university with the grades I wanted and I have no expectations on myself. 2012 is a clean slate, a new start into adulthood. I don't feel I am ready for the world of full time employment, but I do know that I am going to work my ass off. I feel 2012 is going to be a year of change. I remember this time last year feeling so hopeful for what 2011 had to bring and so disappointed in it's results. Maybe a little too optimistically, I feel 2012 will be the year I need it to be, it will provide me with enough direction to head my life in the way I want it. As usual, I plan on spending the year focusing on those things and people that really matter and bring simplicity into my life, and getting rid of all the negativity.

I am watching everyone around me change their lives in significant ways. Moving away, breaking up with long term boyfriends, getting engaged. Though my changes may be more internal than others, I feel I am ready to truly 'start my life'. I am ready for change in any capacity.

Goodbye 2011, I thank you for the lessons and the misery because without it I would not be in the position I am now. Hello 2012, please for once please meet my expectations on what I want out of a year. Let me build my career the way I want it, let me finish my house in my spare time and let me plan a new holiday with that lovely boyfriend of mine. I don't ask for much...in fact all I want is within my own power, I just want you to allow it to happen.

Happy New Year everyone, no matter what you want 2012 to bring for you and whether 2011 panned out the way you want it I wish everyone the best. Just remember, this time of year is filled with hope. It's the one time of year you can forget the past and plan forward a better future with complete faith that it will turn out the way you want it.

When There Are No Words Left....

...and only photo's can prove my point.

The dare (1/3 of a bottle of tequila to myself)....

...the result a few hours later.

I don't think I have ever been that drunk since and I doubt I ever will again. I love that our last conversation was largely focused on this night and the fact you were proud I got so drunk off tequila and accepted your challenge. Tequila hasn't been the same since.

365 Days.

So this week hasn't been a good one and I expect it won't get much better. Firstly, I am working six out of seven days this week. Though I shouldn't complain because I do this to myself with my kind hearted nature that can never ever say no to anything anyone asks me, it seems my influx of working hours has lead me into a downward spiral. I'm exhausted and I know that because I can't sleep well and have had a dull head ache since Monday morning. As usual, I have run myself off my feet with no end in near and I hate that feeling.

Secondly, this Sunday is December 11th...which admittedly has been a day I have been dreading for most of this year. December 11th is the 1 year anniversary of our friends’ death. I have been thinking a lot about that again this week. Replaying the day in my mind like a broken record. I literally remember every moment of that day, probably more than I should. I keep thinking about the fact that this time last year he had two days to live. Could you imagine that, having no idea that your life was so close to its end? This point last year everything was still so normal for everyone; for his friends, his wife, his son, and his parents. It scares me that you could literally die at any moment and just be done. I have been thinking that if I died tomorrow, I would be happy with my life to date. I wouldn't die with any animosity. Obviously I don’t feel I am done living, but if that’s the way it played out I wouldn’t regret anything as such.

I have been thinking a lot about how the day will go down and what it will involve. I don’t think you ever get over a death in any capacity but I feel you become numb to it. Evening thinking about how those closest to him must be feeling makes me feel anxious. That level of pain scares me.

I hate how everything has played out since December 11th, 2010. I hate the aftermath of the situation. The change that has come from it, the way things have turned. In many ways nothing seems the way it should be. More than anything, I hate seeing the continual hurt of those around me. Call it what you will, but I still wished it never happened. I wish everything was still how it was.

So once again, I wish you never had to go Jason but I know you’re up there looking after us all. At least I know the day we all come to heaven, the party will already be started because you are already there.