So this week hasn't been a good one and I expect it won't get much better. Firstly, I am working six out of seven days this week. Though I shouldn't complain because I do this to myself with my kind hearted nature that can never ever say no to anything anyone asks me, it seems my influx of working hours has lead me into a downward spiral. I'm exhausted and I know that because I can't sleep well and have had a dull head ache since Monday morning. As usual, I have run myself off my feet with no end in near and I hate that feeling.
Secondly, this Sunday is December 11th...which admittedly has been a day I have been dreading for most of this year. December 11th is the 1 year anniversary of our friends’ death. I have been thinking a lot about that again this week. Replaying the day in my mind like a broken record. I literally remember every moment of that day, probably more than I should. I keep thinking about the fact that this time last year he had two days to live. Could you imagine that, having no idea that your life was so close to its end? This point last year everything was still so normal for everyone; for his friends, his wife, his son, and his parents. It scares me that you could literally die at any moment and just be done. I have been thinking that if I died tomorrow, I would be happy with my life to date. I wouldn't die with any animosity. Obviously I don’t feel I am done living, but if that’s the way it played out I wouldn’t regret anything as such.
I have been thinking a lot about how the day will go down and what it will involve. I don’t think you ever get over a death in any capacity but I feel you become numb to it. Evening thinking about how those closest to him must be feeling makes me feel anxious. That level of pain scares me.
I hate how everything has played out since December 11th, 2010. I hate the aftermath of the situation. The change that has come from it, the way things have turned. In many ways nothing seems the way it should be. More than anything, I hate seeing the continual hurt of those around me. Call it what you will, but I still wished it never happened. I wish everything was still how it was.
So once again, I wish you never had to go Jason but I know you’re up there looking after us all. At least I know the day we all come to heaven, the party will already be started because you are already there.
Secondly, this Sunday is December 11th...which admittedly has been a day I have been dreading for most of this year. December 11th is the 1 year anniversary of our friends’ death. I have been thinking a lot about that again this week. Replaying the day in my mind like a broken record. I literally remember every moment of that day, probably more than I should. I keep thinking about the fact that this time last year he had two days to live. Could you imagine that, having no idea that your life was so close to its end? This point last year everything was still so normal for everyone; for his friends, his wife, his son, and his parents. It scares me that you could literally die at any moment and just be done. I have been thinking that if I died tomorrow, I would be happy with my life to date. I wouldn't die with any animosity. Obviously I don’t feel I am done living, but if that’s the way it played out I wouldn’t regret anything as such.
I have been thinking a lot about how the day will go down and what it will involve. I don’t think you ever get over a death in any capacity but I feel you become numb to it. Evening thinking about how those closest to him must be feeling makes me feel anxious. That level of pain scares me.
I hate how everything has played out since December 11th, 2010. I hate the aftermath of the situation. The change that has come from it, the way things have turned. In many ways nothing seems the way it should be. More than anything, I hate seeing the continual hurt of those around me. Call it what you will, but I still wished it never happened. I wish everything was still how it was.
So once again, I wish you never had to go Jason but I know you’re up there looking after us all. At least I know the day we all come to heaven, the party will already be started because you are already there.
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