Call me Crazy.

Call me crazy, but I can't stop trying to picture what the person who broke in to my house looks like. Is he white or black? Is he old? Was he wearing black? Normally in my head I make up ideas of what people look like even before I meet them, but for him I can't make a picture in my mind. He is kinda like a shadow. I have been picture him coming in to my house some how and taking my things. I wonder does he feel guilty? He has taken away from me years worth of music, photos, files, uni work and memories. Things I can't get back, things which he couldn't get money for. Does he feel bad for taking that away from me and not getting anything in return? I understand my laptops are worth something, but hard drives are worth nothing other than the sentimental value they hold for me. Does he not realise I have the only pictures of my Stirling house on that laptop? Does he not realise I have every single photo from when Archer was a puppy on that laptop? All my birthday photos, my nights out, Bali 2009, Bali 2010, my anniversary down south. Will he look at them? Will he realise what he has taken away from me is worth so much more than the minimal money he will get for those laptops. I think he does, but I think he just does not care.

The police, my family, everyone tells me 'oh they probably did it for drug money'. Tell me how is that a justification? Why is drugs the first excuse? Maybe, he is just a terrible, ugly, BAD person. Thats the excuse, he is just shit and a complete low life. But no matter what the exuse, I'm not getting my memories back.

Back to Basics.

So it's back to 'normal' life after this week. Back to uni, working more and little time for much else. Who am I kidding though, I haven't had spare time since the week after exams finished and I didn't have to work. I am extra nervous this semester. Working 32 hours a week and doing either three or four units at school, I know I am setting myself up for a challenge. The funniest thing is I know what I am doing to myself, I am going in to this semester 'eyes wide open' yet I am not doing anything to make it easier on myself.

I am in the head space at the moment to just 'get it done'. I love uni so much but I am over it. I want to finish and then get on with my life properly. The reason it has taken me this long is because I needed to do it right, I needed to enjoy myself and still manage to live life while studying but now I just want to get it over with. I don't want to work though, I want to do nothing. I want to spend time travelling or simply getting things done. Enjoying life.

My goal for this semester is to actually spend some time doing things I enjoy and that aren't work or uni related. For instance, I will be trying the newest Perth craze- ZUUUUMBBAA, with my friend Kelly. As well as this I am reading a new book called 'the five people you meet in heaven' by Mitch Albom. So far I am a chapter in to it and the main character 'Eddie' has just died on his 83rd birthday-what an interesting beginning huh?

On the town.

The consumption of alcohol is a funny thing. When heading out to Northbridge I go out of my way to ensure I am sufficiently intoxicated so that I can lose all inhibitions and spend the night dancing like I don't have a care in the world. It's funny because the negatives of a night out always seem to mount up, yet the option to go out always wins. On one hand drinking causes me to usually act like somewhat of an idiot and always causes a hang over where I feel like I am dying. On the other hand I get to be out with my friends and truely enjoy myself. So really, no contest drinking always wins. I am not one of those people who can go out with out drinking, I never have been. I don't like Northbridge, I don't really like nightclubs and I certainly am not one to dance sober. So I find a sober night out is never a good one, but the a hang over less Saturday is always nice. The way I justify it is I don't go out often, so if I do go out I want to make the most of it.

I found myself last night a little bit out of my element. I was without my usual 'partner in crime' who is pretty much a security blanket when I go out. I had the best night though, most likely because I didn't care, I was just there to have a good night and dance. It's funny isn't it, when you make last minute plans, when you spend 15 minutes getting ready and you do pretty much nothing to your hair you usually have the best nights. As we used to say good photos usually lead to a bad night and no photos lead to a good night. So obviously, last night there was a strict no photo policy which paid off well. I will also mention a not so funny 'war' story of my night. A tall, slender and highly intoxicated blonde girl who could barely take two steps any time I saw her managed to step on my foot (I was not wearing heels because as previously mentioned, I didn't care) with her sky high stiletto heel. At the time obviously it hurt alot, yet in my intoxicated state failed to feel the full pain of the injury. This morning on the other hand, my foot is swollen, grazed and bruised...I actually think I can see the perfect imprint of her heel on my foot. So thank you mysterious drunken blonde girl, I have a feeling I am going to have this injury for a while. In your defense, you were very tall and those heels were even taller and you were very intoxicated...so really it's not your fault, but still.

It never matters how good of a night out I have, the best thing is coming home to that lovely boyfriend of mine, not to mention the bacon and eggs he always makes me for breakfast the next day. I am so lucky to have a boy who is so amazing.

A walk in the park.

Well I just got back from a walk at the park with my little Archer. I quite love the park near my house, it is always so busy with my fellow dog walkers. Today though, it was a little different and filled with way to many children, which reminded me its school holidays. It's funny how when your in high school, school holidays are the best time of the year, but the second you leave you dread when they start because you know your life gets a little more hectic because everywhere is filled with children. Children taking up the path at the park, shopping centers being packed with groups of 13 year old girls dressed like they are 20 and neighbours (who still think your name is Lucy and you just don't have the heart to advise her other wise) having their teenage grandson around doing her gardening (loudly) first thing in the morning.

I really do love that park, especially in this weather. Where it's a little chilly but the sun is behind the trees and makes beautiful patterns of light and dark. I love it because it's one of the only times I get to spend listening to the music I love. At the moment it's a little mix of old (Addiction by Kanye West and Love Bomb by N.E.R.D), a little mix of commercial (O.M.G by Usher and Not Afraid by Eminem) and larger mix of my music (Ego Remix by Beyonce ft Kayne West and Soundtrack to My Life by Kid Cuddi). It's the perfect mix of music, which actually motivates me go for an hour long work with my little Cricket (AKA Archer). It's especially times like in the park that I wish I had my camera, because it really is the most beautiful park.

On another note, today marks the five month and seven day count down until Europe. I have a feeling that when I get there I am not going to want to leave. I can't wait for the sights, the snow and the fact I am going to be able to drink on the street (haha!). I keep thinking about spending Christmas in Paris and New Years in Barcelona and really, I don't think there is going to be a better place to spend those holidays. I loved Paris the first time I went there and I can't wait to a) see everything that we actually wants to see and b) get to spend my favourite time of the year in the most romantic city in the world with my love. To me, nothing else would be more perfect.

Nostalgia.

How is it already July? Seriously, where has this year gone! It is all downhill from July, because then it's August which is the month before September and therefore my birthday. Then I am 20, which though young...it’s downhill from there because I will be saying good bye to my teenage years and saying hello to adulthood. I'm not really an adult. Like I am legally and physically...oh and my life is very adult like...but to me and in my head I am still a child.

I find lately I keep getting all nostalgic about the past five years of my life. 15-20 really has been a chapter. So much has happened, so much has changed, yet I feel like I actually still 15. I can bring myself back to that time so quickly, I remind myself of the times I would stay up all night speaking to Jesse on myspace and msn (YAY MSN!) listening to Kanye West Addiction or walking what seemed like a million miles from my house in Greenwood to Kelly’s house in Duncraig and everywhere in between. Or the time we went to the movie marathon and thought it would be a good idea to walk home to Kelly’s from Warwick after the final movie and getting home at the same time her mum was getting ready to leave for work. I find myself remember little things, which at the time I never realised how big of a memory they would become. Like the time Jesse and I woke up in the early early hours of the morning (4AM/5AM) in our respective houses and walked to the bridge which was in the middle of the two houses and then went back to mine and went to bed just so we could wake up together. I have more recent favourite memories of spending the morning at the beach with Amanda and Phylicia and then going back to Amanda's and pretty much not getting out of the pool to the sun goes down and it being so hot that the pool was pretty much a bath.

The smallest memories become so special when you look back on them. I don't know why I seem to be stuck in the past at the moment but I am. I wish my life was just filmed and I could rewind and watch things again like they are a movie.

Long Lasting Love.

The new topic of conversation at the moment seems to be focusing on love. It seems like something has switched, a year ago my friends and people around me would not even humour a conversation including long lasting love or marriage and now it seems to be all the talk. Whether moving in with someone, getting married to 'that special' someone or whether to say I love you for the first time, it's all I have been hearing. It's not like we are old, so I don't get it. I think what it comes from is our parents, most of whom had found each other, or their partners of time by 18-21 and were well on their way to marriage. So now, our generation is trying to duplicate that without consideration that over 50% of marriage from that generation ended or will end in divorce.

I don't even know what I really think about marriage any more. Personally I see marriage as something highly important when kids are involved, I would struggle having kids without marriage because I think life should be simple for a child and marriage makes a family life simple for a child to explain to their friends etc. That and kind of for selfish reasons, I want the same last name as my child. But then again, to me marriage should also have nothing to do with children. I come from a family of 'marriage for the children' and none of those marriages have turned out the best. I think it should come down to more than love too. I think marriage is a life long commitment and the love we know of as teenagers isn't the long lasting type. Waking up every morning and still wanting to see his face is long last love, knowing every single little thing is long last love, knowing what he is thinking even before he even starts to say it is long last love. Long lasting love is friendship, companionship and a genuine ability to spend time together. I think marriage is just a commitment of security and even a little bit of a business deal. I will never get married for any one other than myself and my partner.

I know my views on love and marrige would seem some what odd to most people. It's because I refuse to agree with the 'fairytale'. You need to make your own fairytale. I wouldn't know what a real, happy, successful marriage would look like if it hit me in the face. I come from two generations of women who had gotten divorced, half of my extended family are divorced. I refuse to beleive everyone only gets one 'love of their life'. I understand some people (possibly even myself) find one person and they are that perfect person for them and they will get married and live happily ever after, but I think some people get mulitple 'great loves' in their lives. I am not one to reside to the idea of a large pretty wedding, where I spend $20 000 for a whole bunch of my family, friends and people I know come and 'ooohh' 'ahhhh' at the fact I am dedicating my life to someone. I have many better things to do with that money, like travel.

Anyways, I don't really know the point of this one. It is just a popular 'topic of discussion' at the moment. Something I am finding myself surrounded with. I think I am over it now. I have thought about it, wanted it, talked about it for so long. Since I was a little girl it was such a big deal to me because I rarely saw it done right (Don't worry Vanessa, you and Danny, my great grand parents and Lisa and Sid are the exceptions). But now, though still very important to me, its become something so private and something I want for just me, not for everyone else to see. My nanna often tells me how 'modern' I am in my beliefs (she finds it shocking someone could be 19, owning a house with their boyfriend and NOT have children :O), yet how traditional my views of marriage are. Isn't it funny what a difference in generations make, because obviously by this rant my views are a little odd.

Change is in the air.

I don't know if it's a bad thing, but I find the easiest way for me to get a huge rush of excitement in life is to completely and utterly change something. Never something physical like a dramatic hair cut and never something where I know what I am walking in too. Its like walking off a cliff and not knowing I have something there supporting me to keep me up and safe. I am finding, it's that time again. That time to just walk in to the utter unknown with absolutely no knowledge of what's ahead.

An example of this in the past was early-mid 2008. That's the first time I did it. The first time I cut all my losses and made a radical change. Firstly, I changed university degree. Most people would see this as something which is not a big deal, but for me it was HUGE. My life was planned since age 7- go to university, study Journalism and life would be great. After coming to the realisation three months in to my degree that a Journalism degree was a joke and my heart wasn't in to it, I quit. A business degree seemed to make more sense. So thats exactly what I did, a business degree. I thought at the time, seeing as I was already making such a big change, why not take six months off univeristy too? So I did that as well. At the time I HATED that decision. I hated working so much, I hated being so different to my friends, but I loved being so free and rich. Instantly I wanted to go back to school, go back to learning, but in hind sight it was and still is the best decision I have made in my life. I realised going straight from high school to university keeps you in a little bubble and I was sick and tired of that bubble. I watched my friends, blissfully in their bubbles not needing money for more than a shopping spree and getting drunk during nights out. Though a part of me envied their bubbles, I realised (after a lot of time and acceptance) that I am not a person who can waste all my money on something so pointless, so I made another decision. I moved out of home.

The rush of these changes in 2008 kept me going until now. Same time of the year 2010, it seems I am doing it again, brewing up these decision in my mind. So some you will have to wait and see because I am not ready to share them with the world. But others I have done and I think I am making the right decision. I am indefinently going part time to university. Why? Because I said so, because I want too, because I am going to spend a month in Europe with my lover man over Christmas and New Years and that doesn't come cheap. A part of me is a little jealous to see people leaving univeristy around me, but the bigger part of me remembers though I am behind in the normal sense (eg. finishing university) I am ahead in the life sense (eg. home owning, pet buying). So it balances out, or so I am going to tell myself.

So watch this space. Its like the calm before the storm. I can feel the change coming, I can feel myself needing to do it. I don't know what yet, but it's gonna be something. Then, in a few more years maybe I will make another, even bigger change...who knows.

Creativity.

It seems that over the past few years I have lost touch with my 'creative' side. When once I used to spend hours writing, either for all to see or indulgently for myself, I now have resided to writing purely for educational purposes. For as sad as that is, don't get me wrong, I love to write for university as it does give me that sense of self satisfaction. Anyways, after spending more than a few weeks (maybe even months?!) pondering the idea of a blog and the idea of my thoughts being posted on an aimless internet site for anyone or no body to read, partnered with the not so subtle push from a work friend, I decided today is the day to start writing again.

I have found creativity has been following me around everywhere lately. It just keeps popping up, taunting me even. Reminding me that in the past I was creative, I wrote, I took photographs. Now, I can't even take a photograph because my brilliant boyfriend broke my camera (FYI soup and a camera in the same plastic bag are NOT a good idea). Writing is like an addiction, a completely useless addiction. So you could say that my lack of spare time in the last few years was my rehab, but I have relapsed, relapsed straight back in to this addiction.

To me writing is more than an outlet for creativity, it is a passion and it is, was and always will be my first love. The perfect love. It's like a boyfriend and a best friend, it's a silent body which takes in everything you need it too. It never thinks your stupid, never thinks of you as irrational and it never judges. It just listens and accepts. It lets you offload without guilt. Thats why I love to write and thats why I am allowing myself to fall back in to this beautiful addiction.