Dragging My Feet

I have found since I have started writing professionally, I have lost the creativity to write personally. It's a different ball game having to be in a work mind set and then switch over to my own sense of writing. At the moment I have about six half started blog where either I lose interest in the topic, or lose creativity mid sentence. I have been told if I pursue a career in writing it won't take me long to start hating it and after a month of having a large portion of my career writing focus I can see that already setting in.

I feel like I am at the end of the first chapter of my life. Unlike finishing high school, finishing university brings complete unknown for me. Will I enjoy working? Will I have time to see my friends? Will I be able to go on holidays regularly? Will I find a career I am passionate about? Do I want to work full time? Am I good enough for my chosen career path? I have been wishing this year away, because this year has been hell and now that I am at the home stretch I am petrified of the future.

The last month has been my last ever university holidays and I have felt more stressed and busy than I was during semester. I barely got two days off to myself and time alone to do nothing is something I really treasure. I am an opportunist, so obviously being faced with my new PR related part time job I couldn't turn it down but in a lot of ways I feel I am rushing in to something that I don't need too. I thrive under pressure, yet hate the feeling of constraint which a career provides.

I don't want to be a person to not go in to a career after university, because my career holds high value to me and as an ambitious person I can't fathom the idea of taking 'time off' when I graduate. But the other part of me feels life is going to disappear fast if I waste it away working. It's such a contradiction in my own mind that even seeing it written down frustrates me.

I have come to realise over the past six months that life is short and you can't change that. In the grand scheme of things I don't want to look back at my life and regret the way I did things and the choices I made. I wish I had more time. I wish I didn't have the pressure to have kids and get married and all those other things. I wish travelling was cheap and I could spend years visiting places I dream about. I wish I could have a fulfilling career and raise a family simultaneously so that I didn't feel like I have to make a choice. I wish I could have everything. But if I haven't learnt anything from this year it's that you need to accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can. Life happens the way it does and all you can do is make the most of it while you're here.