Grief.

The past six months have taught me so much. I feel I have gained a lifetime of understanding on grief. It was a topic that was so unfamiliar to me in the past, but now I feel almost ready for it next time. I have learnt everyone grieves in a different way and you should never judge their level of grief. Similar to love, grief cannot be felt the same by two people. Like a snow flake, it's unique. I have seen people grieve in a number of ways; becoming reclusive; angry; strong; bitter; and in all the cases of grief I have seen everyone lose a little part of themselves.

My own feelings of grief have surprised me. Lacking the basic skills to deal with grief, I have found myself burying it. As time goes on, it seems to resurface in the most inconvenient of times. The last two weeks seem to have been the worst; three events our friend should have been at. An engagement party, an awards night and his wife's birthday.

I found myself surviving each event differently. The engagement party I was so happy most the night to see two amazing people so in love I managed to bury the thought he wasn't there for majority of the night. It got to the end of the night and simple question of 'would it be different if he was here' got me thinking. Of course it would be, everything is different without him here.

The second night I didn't do so well, and unfortunately for most my melt down was of the public persuasion. The night started off badly, with me needing to blow off a whole lot of study induced stress with a whole lot of dreaded wine (I have learnt in large proportions this is my down fall). The awards night was empty without Jason there. Things that usually would be fun and entertaining seemed dull. It didn't help I got stuck next to some horrid women who was painfully rude for the enter night. Just after the main course and about 3/4 of the way in to hearing her ramble on about her idea of who he was, I snapped. Walked out, cried my eyes out in the foyer and as usual (when drinking wine) made a huge idiot of myself. It made me realise something, six months in and I haven't dealt with this situation. As I tearfully cried to Jesse 'you deal with this on a daily basis, I don't have too so it's nights like tonight that make it real'. Kinda sad isn't it? Because the reality is, it's real every day yet my ability to subdue my emotions has lead me to become an emotional volcano ready to erupt at any moment.

The third encounter was fantastic. It was his wife's birthday and she was having a party. His friends, family, her friends and family all in the one house sitting around a bon-fire, drinking, eating and having a night like any other. It was the first time we had been in his house since it happened. It was a task which I thought would prove a lot more difficult than it was. Surprisingly, it was lovely. The photos of him made me laugh, the memories of the house made me smile and seeing his wife happy like it never happened was truly something to make your heart melt. The idea of being in the house proved to difficult to others who knew him, however Jesse and I believed if his wife wanted us there we would be, for her.

I am still learning about grief. I came to consider a day without thinking about him a good day, because I can't live being sad about what we have lost. I also came to realise, I am obviously not as over this as I thought. But when can you ever be over it? His wife and Jesse deal with this every single day; a day to day basis for six months straight. They have to of come to terms with this for their sanity's sake. Me on the other hand, I need to come to peace with it in my own way and truly say good bye. It may take me another six months, maybe a year but I think one day this horrible feeling will be gone.