Life; It's For The Living.

So I have found myself unusually quiet these last few weeks. I keep going to write a new blog post and then getting lost for words. I never thought I could be lost for words, I feel like I am increasingly stuck in my head. I am lacking a lot of motivation to write, to apply for jobs, to do any thing really, somewhat of a rut. I find I have been thinking about death quite a lot again lately. I'm not scared to die, but I am scared of death. I am scared of losing any other people I know. After losing my pop and Jason in the last few years, I dread the thought of losing anyone else. I know the pain which losing Jason caused everyone and I don't want to see that pain again. I know how terrible that felt and he wasn't even apart of my daily life. What if I lost someone who every day it would be a struggle without them? I can't fathom that pain, I'm scared of feeling that again and scared of feeling it worse. Death changes your life. It alters you, and everyone around you. Two years ago, not a single person in my life had died, I had no idea. But now, there still is rarely a day which goes by where we don't think or talk about Jason. I have a new appreciation for life. I concentrate more when driving, I don't txt or use my phone when driving. Every cross I see on the side f the road makes me think of the family of that individual.

Life is for the living, I understand we can't live in fear of death. But I also don't know how not to be scared. I think dying would be the greatest adventure. It's the only thing in life we are ever certain of. I don't consider it an end, I consider it the beginning to something new. But I want to learn how to not fear losing the people I love, because throughout life we lose so many people.

If I stay stuck inside my head, I am never going to get over this feeling. I need a new motivation. I need a job. I am starting to question whether leaving a job that made me so unhappy has actually resulted in me being more unhappy. I have never been so desperate to get back to uni. I am craving knowledge, stimulation and motivation!