I often write and think about the topic of marriage. Maybe it's because I am 21 and have been in a relationship for over six years, or maybe it's because the topic absolutely fascinates me. I have come to realise, the older I get the less I believe in the institutionalized idea of modern day marriage. This is something that always seems to land me in hot water with those around me who thing marriage is still the most grand and wonderful thing.
Let me explain. My mother and my grandmother have both been divorced. In fact, my family is somewhat the statistic with half of my mums siblings divorced and half still married (okay there are only four of them, but still that's the statics). My boyfriends mother is divorced, his dad has been divorced twice, almost all (or possibly all) his aunties and uncles are divorced, his grandma...also divorced. My best friend, her parents are divorced. So as you can see, I have little belief that a) marriage is 'forever' and b) even if it is 'forever' that you will be happy 'forever'. Now when I explain this belief to people I know they usually treat me like a crazy person. The usual response 'why get married if you already think you are going to get divorced?'. I don't think I'm going to get divorced, I don't want to get divorced, I hope that I am doing anything and everything within my power to make the right decision and most importantly I plan on working on my future marriage to ensure a) it stays in tact and b) we are both happy.
The typical argument surrounding this discussion by friends who have married parents is that parents SHOULD always stay together for their children. For a lack of better words, fuck that shit. My parents are divorced and I am a much better person because of that. Unlike a lot of girls my age, I respect my mum for the decision she made and for the person she is. If she had stayed in that marriage, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be a lot more screwed up than I am now. I have great morals and values which were instilled in me both pre and post divorce. I know how shit works, I know how life is and I know that it isn't all sun shine and lolly pops. Though my 'pre divorce' house wasn't bad, my 'post divorce home' was amazing. I know without a doubt in my mind my siblings and I are my mums number 1 priority and she didn't spend my adolescent years pining to fix a marriage that was broken beyond repair. She is strong, she is independent and most importantly my mum is happy. I never have and never will believe two people should live in a miserable marriage just for their kids. If you want your parents to be in that situation you are horribly selfish AND if you think a "broken family" isn't a family, you have no idea of the meaning of the word.
Now don't get me wrong, just because I don't believe in marriage doesn't mean I'm not going to give it my best shot. Marriage is like a pain in the ass ex friend who you don't trust but you want to give your friendship one more go. I won't be entering into a marriage lightly. I would never marry someone that wasn't truly my best friend and someone who understands my skeptical belief in marriage. I hope and pray to god, the day I do decide to get married that it works out for me. I hope that I'm the 50% of couples who stays married. But I would rather be in the 50% of people who get divorced, than one of those people who stayed married while unhappy. My own happiness, my partners happiness and the happiness of my future children should and will always be my number one priority.
However, after saying all this and being as cynical and disapproving of marriage as I am I can't wait to get married. I'm lucky I have a great boyfriend. I'm lucky that away from the love and the mushy stuff, I just like him and like to be around him. 2012 will mark our 7 year anniversary, that's two-three years away from when my parents got divorced. I often think maybe the recipe to a successful marriage is not to get married. But I do know a small number of couples who give me hope that getting married will be the right decision for me. As I said, I am going to give it my best go, work hard and fight for what I believe in. Fingers crossed, the day it happens that it works out for us!
Let me explain. My mother and my grandmother have both been divorced. In fact, my family is somewhat the statistic with half of my mums siblings divorced and half still married (okay there are only four of them, but still that's the statics). My boyfriends mother is divorced, his dad has been divorced twice, almost all (or possibly all) his aunties and uncles are divorced, his grandma...also divorced. My best friend, her parents are divorced. So as you can see, I have little belief that a) marriage is 'forever' and b) even if it is 'forever' that you will be happy 'forever'. Now when I explain this belief to people I know they usually treat me like a crazy person. The usual response 'why get married if you already think you are going to get divorced?'. I don't think I'm going to get divorced, I don't want to get divorced, I hope that I am doing anything and everything within my power to make the right decision and most importantly I plan on working on my future marriage to ensure a) it stays in tact and b) we are both happy.
The typical argument surrounding this discussion by friends who have married parents is that parents SHOULD always stay together for their children. For a lack of better words, fuck that shit. My parents are divorced and I am a much better person because of that. Unlike a lot of girls my age, I respect my mum for the decision she made and for the person she is. If she had stayed in that marriage, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be a lot more screwed up than I am now. I have great morals and values which were instilled in me both pre and post divorce. I know how shit works, I know how life is and I know that it isn't all sun shine and lolly pops. Though my 'pre divorce' house wasn't bad, my 'post divorce home' was amazing. I know without a doubt in my mind my siblings and I are my mums number 1 priority and she didn't spend my adolescent years pining to fix a marriage that was broken beyond repair. She is strong, she is independent and most importantly my mum is happy. I never have and never will believe two people should live in a miserable marriage just for their kids. If you want your parents to be in that situation you are horribly selfish AND if you think a "broken family" isn't a family, you have no idea of the meaning of the word.
Now don't get me wrong, just because I don't believe in marriage doesn't mean I'm not going to give it my best shot. Marriage is like a pain in the ass ex friend who you don't trust but you want to give your friendship one more go. I won't be entering into a marriage lightly. I would never marry someone that wasn't truly my best friend and someone who understands my skeptical belief in marriage. I hope and pray to god, the day I do decide to get married that it works out for me. I hope that I'm the 50% of couples who stays married. But I would rather be in the 50% of people who get divorced, than one of those people who stayed married while unhappy. My own happiness, my partners happiness and the happiness of my future children should and will always be my number one priority.
However, after saying all this and being as cynical and disapproving of marriage as I am I can't wait to get married. I'm lucky I have a great boyfriend. I'm lucky that away from the love and the mushy stuff, I just like him and like to be around him. 2012 will mark our 7 year anniversary, that's two-three years away from when my parents got divorced. I often think maybe the recipe to a successful marriage is not to get married. But I do know a small number of couples who give me hope that getting married will be the right decision for me. As I said, I am going to give it my best go, work hard and fight for what I believe in. Fingers crossed, the day it happens that it works out for us!
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